Never Be Regained
by The Lionhearted Phoenix
Summary: James and Lily, along with the Marauders, set out on a routine Order mission that will end up altering their lives forever.


**A/N: Written for the Hogwarts Life Challenge (Stage Five, Part II), and The Hunger Games: Fanfic Style III Competition (Training Round. Prompt: (Dialogue) "What do you think you're doing?").**

 **PS: I played around with the timeline on this one, so some things don't quite match up with canon, but it worked better for the story. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Never Be Regained**

 _"Innocence, once lost, can never be regained. Darkness, once gazed upon, can never be lost."_

 _-John Milton_

"James," said Lily, without looking up from her book, "you're staring again."

They were in bed, James propped on his elbow, facing her. She was sitting with her back against the headboard of the bed, her knees drawn up to support a thick novel. She had pulled her hair into a messy knot at the top of her head, but every so often a single strand just above her left ear would snake its way free and she would push it back impatiently. James couldn't help but follow the movement with his eyes, admiring her slim fingers and their quick, precise movements.

Lily sighed, placed a bookmark in her book, and closed it. She fixed him with a stare that James personally thought Professor McGonagall would have been proud of. "What?" said Lily exasperatedly.

He grinned. "Nothing," he said, reaching out to take her left hand. "I just can't believe this is real." He ran his thumb over her finger, and the diamond ring that encircled it.

Lily smiled. "You had better get used to it," she said, weaving her fingers through his. He could feel the metal band against his palm, warmed by Lily's hand. "I'm never taking it off."

"Never?" He kissed her knuckles. "I like the sound of that." He tilted his head up, brushing his lips against Lily's. They parted easily as she leaned into him, running those lovely fingers down his jaw. He reached up and deftly undid her bun so that her hair cascaded around her shoulders like a scarlet waterfall. Her book tumbled off the bed as she pulled him closer, tighter…

 _"Jaaaaaaaaames!"_

He pulled away from her, blinking owlishly. He could see that she was just as disoriented and exhilarated as he was.

"What…" she said, glancing around.

 _"Jaaaaaaaaames!"_

"Ignore him," said James swiftly. He swung himself around in one smooth movement so that he was propped on top of her. She giggled and reached up to kiss him.

 _"JAAAAAAAAAAMES!"_

With a noise of frustration, James rolled off Lily and sat up, stuffing his feet into his slippers. "Just a moment," he said, stalking toward the door. "I have to go murder my best friend."

"Don't get blood on the carpet," Lily called after him.

Lighting his wand, James traipsed across the hallway and opened a cabinet, inside which sat a small, rectangular mirror. He caught it up and scowled at it.

"Careful, mate, you're starting to get lines," said Sirius cheerfully.

"This had better be important," James grumbled. "I was in the middle of snogging my — girlfriend." He caught himself just before he said _fiancée_ ; Lily had been adamant that she wanted to tell everyone together.

"Yeah, well, it's not like you haven't done plenty of that already," said Sirius, making a face. "Snogging in the corridors, snogging on the Quidditch pitch, snogging in _my bed_ —"

"What do you _need_ , Sirius?" said James, rolling his eyes.

"Not me," Sirius said. "Dumbledore. Says someone's broken into one of the safehouses. He reckons they're after information on the Order." Sirius shook his hair back. "But, I mean, I _could_ tell Dumbledore you'd rather be snogging your girlfriend than stopping evil —"

"All right, keep your hair on, I'm coming," said James. "Lily and I can be at yours in five."

"I'll round up the others. See you soon."

James nodded. The mirror clouded over, erasing Sirius from its depths. Pocketing it, James strode back into the bedroom.

"Duty calls," he sighed, heading to the dresser and pulling out a set of robes. "You feel up for a mission?"

"Always," said Lily, swinging her legs out of bed. She began to pull her hair back into a ponytail as James yanked his robes on. "Damn," she said, frowning. "All my robes are back at my flat."

"I think you left some here the other day," said James, rooting through the dresser. "Here." He tossed her a set of emerald robes.

"Thanks," said Lily, catching them and pulling them on.

James rolled his eyes as he began to put on his socks and shoes. "This is why I keep telling you that you ought to just move in with me. All your stuff in one place, no Apparating back and forth —"

" _Or_ ," said Lily, lacing up her boots, "you could move in with _me_. Sell the manor, move closer to the boys…"

"Are you mad?" James demanded. "Your flat is a broom closet. Every time I turn around, I knock something over."

"Well, that sounds like _your_ problem," said Lily, grinning.

James shrugged. "Can't help that I'm so big. In fact, certain parts of me are _disproportionately_ big…"

"Oh, your ego and your head, you mean?" Lily said innocently.

James clutched his chest. "I'm _wounded_."

"Awww," Lily said, pouting. "Does the big baby need me to kiss his boo-boo?"

"Well," said James, smiling playfully, "I wouldn't say no to that." He pulled her towards him and bent his head, drawing her into a deep kiss. She ran her fingers through his hair, sending goosebumps tumbling down his neck.

 _"James, I swear to Merlin, if you're snogging Lily right now —"_

James broke the kiss off. "I'm going to kill him," he said firmly.

"I support your decision," Lily said solemnly.

Grinning, James ducked his head and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. "Well, we ought to get going, before Sirius actually barges in here and yanks us out."

"I wouldn't put it past him," said Lily, laughing. She slid her hand into James's and led him downstairs and out of the door. James locked it with a quick tap of his wand and turned to look at Lily. It had begun to rain slightly; a few stray strands of hair were damp and curling against her temples.

"Ready?" said James, slightly unsteadily.

She smiled at him. "Yeah."

Simultaneously, they turned on the spot.

They reappeared with a loud _crack_ in the center of Sirius's flat. He leapt off the couch, swearing loudly. "Damn it, Prongs, you could knock, you know!"

"Thought you said this was urgent," James said, grinning as he clapped Sirius on the back. He glanced around; Remus and Peter had already arrived. Remus waved from the kitchen counter. He looked slightly wan and pale; the full moon was approaching. Peter, too, gave a nervous little wave from the armchair by the fire.

"Right, should we head out?" James said.

"Not yet, we're waiting on one more person," Sirius said. "Dumbledore said to round up anyone I could, which was you lot and someone else who responded to the emergency call. I don't know who, exactly."

"I hope it's Marlene," said Peter dreamily, before blushing to the roots of his hair. "Did I say that out loud?" he mumbled.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Like you'd ever have a chance with Marlene McKinnon, Wormtail," he chortled. Peter blushed even deeper.

"Where are we going, anyway?" Lily interrupted, giving Sirius a look of deep disapproval.

"Don't know exactly," said Sirius, still chuckling. "Dumbledore made a Portkey before he left. It's one of the safehouses, I know that much. No one's had to use it before, though. Apparently there hasn't been anyone there in a while."

"Which is probably why it was so easy to break into," Remus added.

"So no one's in any immediate danger, then?" Lily said. James heard a sliver of relief in her voice.

"No, I suppose not," said Sirius carelessly.

"Are we leaving soon?" Peter's voice quavered slightly. "I hate the anticipation of it all."

"Just a few more minutes, I'm sure," said Remus reassuringly. He leaned back against the counter, glancing at his watch. "The Portkey's set to leave in three minutes."

"Well, while we have some time to kill," said Lily, glancing at James with a smile that he swiftly returned, "James and I have some news."

Sirius gasped. "You're pregnant!" he cried, yanking Lily into a hug. "Oh, Lils, I can't believe it, I thought you were just getting fat —"

Lily smacked him upside the head. "I'm not pregnant, you prat!"

"Damn it, that hurt!" Sirius whined, rubbing his head. "Why've you got a rock on your — what the bloody hell is that?" he demanded, seizing Lily's left hand and goggling at her ring. "You're _engaged_?" he yelped.

"Say it a little louder, Padfoot, I don't think the rest of London heard you," James said, rolling his eyes.

"And thanks for stealing our news," Lily added with a laugh.

"You're really engaged?" said Peter, his round face lighting up with delight. In response, Lily flashed her left hand at him, wiggling her fingers. He leapt off the armchair and hurried over to them, pulling them both in for a hug. "Congratulations!" he squealed.

"Seconded," said Remus, joining the hug. "That's wonderful news."

"Hang on, is no one going to point out that Prongs kept this a secret from us?" Sirius demanded as they all broke apart. "I, for one, am affronted."

"Couldn't exactly trust you not to blab to Lily," James laughed. "I wanted to surprise her, after all."

"I think we can all keep a secret," said Peter, frowning slightly.

"Oh, don't take it so personally, Wormtail," said James, waving a hand airily. "I was always going to tell you lot as soon as it happened — I just wanted it to be Lily's and mine first."

"Ugh," said Sirius, falling dramatically onto the sofa. " _Couples_." Lily slapped his shoulder lightly.

"You'll have to tell us the full story once the mission's done," said Remus, smiling warmly; it brought color to his face, erased some of the weariness.

"Yes!" Peter clapped his hands together. "I want to know everything — was it romantic? Were you completely shocked, Lily?"

"Will you propose to me next, Prongs?" Sirius added in a high-pitched voice, batting his eyelashes. Peter flushed, but the others laughed.

At that moment, there was a sharp knock at the door. Sirius heaved himself up and strode to the door, swinging it open.

A man stood there, clad in dark robes that were spotted with raindrops. He had sandy blond hair that curled around his ears and neck, and a sharp-boned face that looked slightly familiar.

"Dumbledore's favorite sweet?" said Sirius without preamble.

"Lemon drops," said the man, smiling. Sirius stepped aside, letting the man into the flat.

"I recognize you," said James suddenly, placing the man in his memory. "We played Quidditch against each other a few times, didn't we?"

"Ravenclaw versus Gryffindor," said the man, grinning. "Creamed you a good few times too, I believe."

James laughed. "Fawley, wasn't it? Finley Fawley?"

"Finn," said the man, stepping forward and extending his hand. James shook it. "And you," said Finn, turning to Lily. James noticed that his eyes were a very dark brown, nearly black. "You must be the lovely Lily Evans. I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting in person."

"No," said Lily, shaking his hand. "You were a year above us, weren't you?"

"Odd we haven't met in Order meetings, though," said Remus, stepping forward to shake Finn's hand. "Remus Lupin."

"Pleasure," said Finn. "And I haven't been able to attend as frequently as I'd like," he added. "I'm working up at the Ministry now, trying to gather intel. Long workdays — not much time for meetings, you know?"

"Er," Peter interrupted, staring at a teakettle that had begun to glow blue. "I think it's time to go."

They all hurried over, placing their fingers on the teakettle. The blue light intensified; there was a sharp jerk behind James's navel, and they lifted off the ground, hurtling through a dark whirlwind.

They landed roughly; James's knees buckled, but he managed to stay upright. Lily grabbed onto him to steady herself, her fingers tightening around his arm before releasing. The kettle fell to the ground, its light fading.

James lit his wand with a soft murmur and glanced around. They appeared to be in the drawing room of an abandoned manor; bits of the roof had fallen in, leaving gaps through which they could see the inky night sky. Rain dripped through the cracks, forming puddles on the worn, dusty wooden floors. Light flared around him as the others lit their wands, holding them out to better scan the room. James caught sight of the gleaming pinpricks of eyes as two rats scurried across the floor and out of the manor through a hole in the wall. There was a long sofa, pushed against the wall and covered in a dropcloth. Other than that, the room was entirely empty.

" _Homenum Revelio_ ," Finn whispered. James felt the spell wash over him; he listened intently for any sound in the manor, but there was only the patter of rain and the creak of trees outside.

"There's no one here," said Finn, speaking at a normal volume again.

"Odd," said Sirius, lowering his wand. "Why would they just leave?"

Remus moved away from the rest of them, examining the room. "Maybe they got whatever information they were looking for," he said, his brow furrowing as he stared at a dust-covered portrait. Its subject was indiscernible through the thick grey layer, but something about it struck James as vaguely familiar.

"I reckon we ought to split up and search the manor, just in case," James said.

"Split — split up?" Peter squeaked.

"You can come with me, Peter," said Remus kindly. Peter looked grateful, a little color returning to his face.

"The rest of us should search the house and meet back here in fifteen minutes," James said. "I'll take the lower east wing."

"I'll take the west," Lily said. She, too, was looking around the room, her sharp eyes roaming over it. James loved that part of her — the part that was brilliant and steely and entirely unafraid. It made him want to draw her into his arms and kiss her passionately (if only to see the expression of utter exasperation on Sirius's face), but, alas, they had a mission to complete. As the others divvied up the rest of the area between them, James moved swiftly and silently deeper into the depths of the manor.

The dust cushioned his footsteps, muffling them, though the old floorboards still creaked slightly under his weight. The lower east wing consisted mainly of one long corridor, off of which branched many rooms. James opened them as he went, peering inside and casting his wandlight into the corners; most were as empty as the drawing room, with the humped shapes of furniture concealed under dropcloths. Clearly no one had lived here in a very long time.

After checking each room off the corridor, James arrived at last at a final door, set at the very end of the hallway. With a tap of his wand, he unlocked the door and stepped inside.

His lips parted slightly in shock.

The only word he could think of to describe the room was _shrine_. At least a dozen half-burned candles formed a large semicircle on the floor, enclosing a collection of dried flowers and age-spotted photographs. Propped against the wall as the centerpiece of the arrangement were two large portraits of an unfamiliar witch and wizard. James moved forward and knelt carefully behind the row of candles, bringing his wand down to illuminate the photographs. They all seemed to feature the same three people — the witch and wizard from the portraits, and a young boy, no older than twelve in any of them, his face round and smiling between what James assumed were his parents. James felt a lump rise in his throat; his own parents had only died a year ago, and yet he couldn't begin to fathom the pain and anguish the young boy in the photographs must have felt when his parents had died. To lose both his parents at such a young age…James did not often think himself lucky in this aspect, but he realized now that he had been lucky to have his parents through his childhood, and to have found love and friendship before they passed.

Something dripped onto one of the photographs. James wiped his eyes hastily; he hadn't realized he had been crying. He reached out to clean off the photograph — and something struck him as odd.

He stood slowly and gazed around the room. Where the rest of the house had been thick with dust, this room was surprisingly clean. The floors were shiny and polished, the wallpaper wiped free of grime. And the shrine — clearly, someone had been taking care of it. These portraits were not dust-covered as the one in the drawing room was. James leaned in closer; the witch had long, curling blonde hair, and a warm smile. The wizard had a severe-looking face, with eyes like coal, but there was still something soft in them that made them seem brighter and more human. The portraits also, James realized belatedly, weren't moving or speaking. They had probably been created after their subjects had died and could no longer teach the portraits their mannerisms.

He looked again at the photograph in his hand, rubbing his thumb over the young boy's face. It looked strangely familiar —

"Drop the photo," said a voice behind him. "Drop it and turn around slowly."

James obeyed, opening his fingers and letting the photograph flutter to the ground. Gripping his wand a little more tightly, he carefully turned on his heel.

Finn pointed his wand directly at James's chest. His hand was entirely steady, his face smooth and calm. "Now drop your wand."

"Finn," said James carefully. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I said," Finn said, taking a step toward him, " _drop your wand._ " He raised his own wand a little higher, so it was now pointed at James's throat. "I won't kill you, but I can cause you a great deal of pain. _Drop it_."

"All right," said James, holding up his hands. He let his wand fall to the ground. The light went out; they were plunged into darkness. Moonlight filtered through a tiny crack in the ceiling, casting a dancing shadow across the floor. Finn's black eyes appeared to be glowing in the darkness.

"What do you want from me, Finn?" said James quietly. He was surprised by how calm his voice sounded, especially compared to his racing mind — were the others safe? James had heard no sounds of scuffling or fighting, so it was possible they were still searching the mansion. But if Finn had snuck up behind them as he had James…

"Me?" said Finn with a soft chuckle. Slowly, James eased his foot out of his shoe and began to move it sideways. It brushed against something thin and cylindrical. "Personally, I don't care much about you, Potter. Some Quidditch hero you thought yourself, always mucking about with those stupid friends of yours, pulling pranks on people — you never had a clue, did you? You never knew what it was like to face hardship. To face death." His eyes were glittering like a snake's, boring into James's.

"I'm sorry about your parents, Finn," James said softly.

Finn's expression hardened. He seized James's arm and hauled him out of the room; James barely had time to stuff his foot back into his shoe before Finn was dragging him down the hallway. "My parents were killed by Muggles," Finn spat, yanking James around the corner. "Muggles who suspected their true nature and murdered them in cold blood. Muggles who were afraid of their power. Well — they should be afraid. If I could, I would murder every last one of them. I'd show them what a wizard is really capable of."

They turned another corner, and Finn shoved James forward. They were back in the drawing room; the sconces along the wall were now lit, candlelight bathing the walls with its yellow glow. The light shone through the dust on the portrait, illuminating its subject; it was now easy to see that it was a young Finn. This portrait was moving, its inhabitant drawn up in its chair, glaring down at the scene.

"Go," said the elder Finn; it took James a moment to realize he was talking to the portrait. "Alert the rest."

The young Finn nodded and moved sideways out of the frame.

"So," said James, shifting his weight slightly onto one foot. "I'm going to guess you work for Voldemort. And your portrait is finding the other Death Eaters concealed in this house."

"Well, looks like you've got a brain in there after all," said Finn, his face twisting into a grin. "They'll be bringing the rest of your friends along in a moment. The Dark Lord seems interested in you lot for some reason — personally, I'd kill you right here and now if it was up to me, but he has his reasons, I'm sure…"

"Finn," James said in a carefully measured tone, "you don't have to be on their side. The Order —"

"The Order?" Finn let out a sharp bark of laughter. "They're no match for the Dark Lord. _He_ can give me everything I want. Everything I _need_."

"But Dumbledore —"

"Dumbledore is a fool," said Finn callously. "He took one look at the poor, orphaned boy and folded him into the heart of his secrets as if it were as simple as inviting him to tea. He is too trusting. He is _weak_."

"Dumbledore is not weak," said James, anger simmering in him. "He's stronger than you'll ever be. You — you're the one who's weak. Half the people in the Order's parents are dead, and none of them have succumbed to darkness yet."

"Listen to you," Finn scoffed. "'Succumbed to darkness,' as if it's something that swallows you up. I didn't succumb to anything. I _chose_ power. I chose greatness." He stepped closer, so that he was nearly nose-to-nose with James. "You'll all be the ones who pay the price," he hissed. "You and your Muggle-loving fool of a leader —"

In a swift movement, James swung his foot out, sweeping Finn's legs out from beneath him. He went down with a shout. James yanked his wand out of his shoe and, before Finn could raise his, cried, " _Stupefy!"_ A jet of red light blasted out of his wand and hit Finn square in the chest. Finn crumpled and was still.

James wasted no time. He dashed out of the drawing room at full speed, lighting his wand and pulling the mirror out of his pocket. "Sirius!" he yelled into it.

 _"James?"_ came the reply. _"Mate, where are you? This manor is boring as hell…"_

"Sirius, get out now! It's a trap!" James shouted, skidding around the corner.

 _"What? What do you —_ " Suddenly, there was a long string of expletives, and the sounds of spells firing. James's heartbeat sped up in his chest.

"Sirius?"

 _"Stupefy!"_

Silence. Then —

 _"Hell, Prongs, you couldn't have said something earlier?"_ said Sirius, sounding out of breath. _"Bloody Death Eater just burst out of the closet, I swear…"_

"Go find Remus and Peter and get them out!" said James.

 _"What about Lily and Finn?"_

"I'll get Lily, and Finn is —"

Before he could finish, he crashed headlong into someone, his wand tumbling from his hand and extinguishing itself. The mirror clattered to the ground. There was a shriek of pain.

"Who is that?" said a familiar voice.

"Lily!" James cried, relief washing over him. He scrabbled at the ground for a moment before retrieving the mirror and his wand, relighting the latter. Lily looked at him inquisitively.

"What —" she began, but James cut her off, seizing her hand.

"No time to explain, we have to go!" he said, yanking her back down the hallway.

"James!" cried another voice. "Turn around, go back —"

There was the sound of something hard hitting flesh, and a shout of pain.

"Remus!" James took off down the corridor, Lily fast on his heels. He rounded the corner and stumbled to a stop as two figures swung around to face him. One was a cloaked wizard; he was holding up Remus, who was bleeding from the mouth.

"Go back!" Remus shouted, but before James could do anything, several loud _cracks_ split the air. Five hooded figures materialized around them, closing them in.

James swore.

The dark manor seemed to burst with light as spells began to fly. Duelling three Death Eaters at once, James saw out of the corner of his eye Remus being dragged away down the corridor. "Lily!" he shouted, jerking his head toward Remus. She saw, and, dispatching of her attackers with a complicated little wave of her wand that sent them both crashing through the wall, she took off after Remus.

James backed against the wall, firing spells at lightning speed. He managed to Stun one of the figures, but next second caught a jet of blue light in his shoulder. His arm went numb, his wand falling from his limp fingers. The Death Eaters rushed forward, seizing him under the arms. He kicked out, catching one of them in the shin — an elbow connected with his head hard enough to make stars dance before his eyes, and another fist slammed into his stomach. Winded, he went limp in their arms.

They hauled him back into the drawing room, tossing him onto the floor; he rolled across it and fetched up against the covered sofa, coughing as dust exploded around him. Struggling to breathe, he pushed himself up on his hands and knees. Someone shoved him roughly back to the ground.

"That is enough," said a high, cold voice.

A chill ran down James's spine. He heard footsteps retreating as he pushed himself up for a second time, staggering to his feet and turning to look into the eyes of the man who had spoken.

His first thought was that this was not the Voldemort he had imagined. Those who had encountered him had said he was a monster, like something out of a nightmare. But the man before James — true, he did not look entirely human; his skin was pale as the moon, his bones protruding, and his eyes had a strange red cast to them — yet there was something about him that hearkened back to the man he had once been. He carried an air of grace and charisma as he moved toward James, smiling.

The door behind him opened; four Death Eaters entered, one each holding onto Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Finn followed, having evidently been revived by one of his colleagues. He tapped the door with his wand, locking it behind him. Catching James's eye, he smirked. The Death Eaters shoved the others forward, so that they stood in line with James.

"Welcome, friends," said Voldemort in a soft voice, spreading his arms wide. "I apologize for my methods of retrieving you. I am generally more benevolent with prospective followers."

"Followers?" Sirius repeated scornfully. "Why the bloody hell —" Remus elbowed him hard in the ribs, and he closed his mouth.

Voldemort approached, still with that easy smile; though, up close, James could see a certain darkness in his eyes that made it known that he was not nearly as kind as he was pretending to be. "Black, isn't it?" he said, observing Sirius. "Fine family, the Blacks. I would be honored to have you among my troops. Your brother was a good soldier of mine."

"Go to hell," Sirius spat, flushing angrily.

Voldemort made a noise of disappointment. "Pity," he said, his tone light as he turned away from Sirius. "And you," he said to Remus. "A werewolf, are you not? Many of your kind have already joined me. You would be wise to do the same."

"I will not join a man who murders for sport and pretends otherwise," said Remus quietly.

Voldemort's smile widened. "Is that not what your kind do?"

"If it is, I have taken great care not to do the same," Remus said. His tone was steady, but his eyes simmered with a rage James had rarely seen in him.

"You," said Voldemort, turning to Peter. Peter let out a squeak of terror. "I have heard of you. The coward of your friends, are you not?" A chorus of laughter went down the line of Death Eaters. "I could promise you power," said Voldemort softly, ignoring the Death Eaters. "I could promise you glory. You could have everything you want."

Peter shook his head rapidly, cowering in terror. Voldemort's smile only grew.

He moved on down the line. "Lily Evans," he said. Lily threw her head back, glaring defiantly at him. "A Muggle-born, unfortunately — still, a highly gifted witch. I do not discriminate. I have been told you could be very useful to me."

"I would rather die than join you," Lily snapped.

"Then you are a fool," said Voldemort coldly. He turned away from her. "And lastly — James Potter." His red eyes bored into James's. "You are a clever man, James," he said, in a voice so low James could hardly hear it over the sound of the rain above them. "Do not make the same mistakes as your friends."

"If you think I would betray my friends, then the only one who has made a mistake here is you," said James, his voice ringing. "I will never join you."

"Hm," said Voldemort, sounding unfazed. "What a shame. Such fine young witches and wizards." He turned to his Death Eaters.

"Kill them," he said, before turning on the spot and vanishing in a swirl of dark robes.

"RUN!" James bellowed. They all made a break for the door, shoving their way through Death Eaters; spells began to fly around them. James ducked as a jet of green light sailed over his head. He slammed against the door, splintering the lock. Another hard shove and the door gave way. "Come on!" he shouted.

The others poured out into the hallway, the Death Eaters fast on their heels. James felt something hot slash his side, causing him to cry out, but he kept running. "Keep going!" he said as they reached a fork in the hallway. He took the left one as the others went straight.

"JAMES!" Lily cried, but he kept running, glancing over his shoulder; Finn and another Death Eater had broken off from the rest and were following him. He put on more speed, hurtling down the hallway, up a flight of stairs, and through an open door.

He was nearly blinded by the sudden brightness; this room had a floor-to-ceiling window through which moonlight flooded. Looking around wildly, he seized up a chair, and as the hooded Death Eater barreled into the room, he brought the chair down hard. It connected with the Death Eater's head, splintering, and the Death Eater crumpled to the ground, motionless.

" _Expelliarmus!"_

The chair flew out of James's hands and through the window, spraying shards of glass everywhere. James looked around the room for another weapon — it was empty.

"Well," said Finn, advancing as he pointed his wand at James. "I can't say I wasn't looking forward to this."

"Finn, please," said James, backing away. Glass crunched under his feet; he could feel the wind through the large hole in the window, buffeting rain onto his back and neck. "We can help you." Finn stepped forward; James took another step back. His heels collided with what remained of the window frame. "My parents are dead, too," he said softly. "So are Lily's. I know it isn't easy. I know how much it hurts."

"Your parents weren't _murdered!_ " Finn spat. "I will not pass up the chance to avenge my parents' deaths just so I can claim to be a good person!"

"Isn't that what they would have wanted?" James whispered.

For a moment Finn was silent. His hand trembled slightly. "Well," he said, his voice breaking. The moon was reflected in his shining eyes. "I'll never know, will I?"

He raised his wand higher. " _Avada_ —"

James lunged forward and tackled Finn. They crashed to the floor. Pinning Finn down with his body, James reached for the wand — and Finn rolled over, shoving James away. James clawed at Finn's face with one hand, the other closing around Finn's fist, attempting to pry his fingers open. The wand came free, clattered to the ground — and rolled away and through the broken window, dropping over the side and out of sight.

Finn backhanded James across the face and struggled to pull himself to his feet. James seized a handful of his robes, yanking him back down. For a moment, they scuffled, James's fist slamming into Finn's nose — he felt the bone crack beneath his knuckles. With a roar of pain, Finn rolled over and on top of James, his hands closing around James's throat.

He choked, seeing stars as Finn's hands tightened. Blood dripped from Finn's nose onto James's face. James scrabbled at Finn's hands, then his face, nails raking across it; Finn's grip only tightened. Blackness began to encroach on James's vision. With a painful rasp, James dug his fingers into Finn's eyes.

He shouted, releasing James. Drawing in a deep breath, James kicked out with all his might. Finn rolled across the room — and with a cry of shock, dropped over the edge of the window frame.

"NO!" James shouted, lunging forward — but it was too late. A horrible crunch sounded from below…and then there was silence.

James was shaking all over, his breath coming out in short gasps.

 _What have I done?_

Nausea rose in him like a tidal wave. He crumpled to his knees and vomited, the bile scalding his throat.

"James?" came a voice, sounding very far away. "James!" Arms encircled him. "Oh, God, James, thank Merlin you're okay."

"Lily," he mumbled, his voice hoarse. "Lily, I…" He was vaguely aware that his face was damp.

"Shh," said Lily, pulling him to his feet. He swayed, feeling as if the world were rocking around him. "It's okay. Come on, we have to go."

She led him by the hand out of the room and down to the lower corridor. The others were waiting at the end of it; Sirius had a nasty cut above his temple and Peter was shaking like a leaf, but they looked otherwise unharmed. The unconscious forms of the three Death Eaters were at their feet.

"Mate, you all right?" said Sirius, observing him worriedly. "You look —"

"We'll have to do that later," said Remus hurriedly, glancing over his shoulder. "More of them might be arriving any minute. We need to get out of here."

"How?" said Sirius. "Has anyone got a wand? They took mine."

"Mine, too," said Remus and Lily together.

"I have mine," said Peter in a small voice, drawing it out from his sleeve.

Sirius exhaled. "Wormtail, I could kiss you," he said fervently. Peter flushed. "Right, let's get going."

James felt numb; Lily, glancing at him concernedly, took the hand that was intertwined with his and placed both on top of Peter's. Sirius and Remus did the same.

"Don't Splinch us now, Wormtail," Sirius said warningly.

"That's not helping!" Peter cried.

"Sirius —" said Remus sharply.

"Lily?"

James felt her freeze up beside him. Her hand slackened in his. Slowly, she drew it away and turned toward the hooded figure that had appeared behind them.

" _Sev_ ," she breathed.

No one spoke for a moment. Then, with shaking hands, the figure drew his hood down.

Severus looked much the same as he had in school, though in the year since James had seen him his hair had gotten longer and was now hanging just above his shoulders. His skin looked paler, too, and he seemed to have lost weight; evidently the stress of being a Death Eater was getting to him.

"Lily," he said again, taking a step toward her.

"What the hell do you want, _Snivellus_?" Sirius sneered.

"Sirius, _shut up_ ," Remus hissed.

"Sev, what are you doing here?" Lily whispered. Her eyes were shining. "Why are you…"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, the words coming out in a rush. He flushed dully, averting his eyes. "You can still join us, you know," he said, a little more softly. "I'll…it'll keep you safe."

"As if she'd ever stoop that low," said Sirius derisively. Lily and Severus both ignored him.

"I can't," said Lily, a tear trickling down her face. "Sev, you know I can't. I…I won't."

His eyes flicked once to her hand. "You're marrying him."

There was a moment of silence. "Yes," she said. "But that's not why. You know why."

"Then what do you think of me, Lily?" he whispered. He seemed afraid to know the answer.

She shook her head. "I think you made a mistake. I think you can still be saved. If you want to be." She moved toward him, extending her hand. "Come with us, Sev."

"Are you _insane_?" Sirius demanded. Remus elbowed him.

Severus hesitated; his lip was quivering slightly. Then, suddenly, his expression closed. He stepped back. "Go," he said roughly.

Lily blinked. Tears slid down her cheeks. "Sev…" she whispered.

" _Go_ ," he said again. "I'll tell them you got away."

Lily swallowed visibly. "Thank you."

He didn't reply, simply drew up his hood and strode back down the corridor and out of sight.

Lily turned back to the others. She made no move to wipe away her tears, only placing her hand on top of the rest. "Let's go," she said, her voice clear.

They turned on the spot and into darkness.

Sirius's flat appeared around them suddenly; James staggered away from the rest of them, catching himself on the kitchen counter.

"Bloody hell," Sirius exhaled, collapsing onto the couch. "I can't believe we all just made it out of that."

"I can't believe we saw V-V —" Peter shuddered and sank into an armchair.

James turned to look at Lily; she was shaking with silent sobs, tears streaming down her face. James slid his hand into hers, squeezing it. She squeezed back.

"I don't understand something, though," said Remus, frowning. "What happened to Finn? One minute he's on our side, the next he's with them…and then, what, he just disappeared?"

James swallowed, trying to compose himself. "No," he said, his voice rough. "He…" The words stuck in his throat. He tried again. "I…"

All at once, the horror of it struck him. He saw, as if watching a replay, himself kicking out at Finn, and Finn falling through the window, tumbling over the edge, and the way he had cried out just before he had hit the ground —

James wrenched himself away from Lily, gasping — he suddenly found that he couldn't breathe, that his heart was beating so fast he thought it might tear itself out of his chest — he slid to the floor, fisting his hands in his hair.

"James," came Lily's voice. Soft fingers rubbed up and down his arm. "James, what —"

"I didn't mean to," he gasped. Tears spilled down his face. "I didn't mean to, I didn't —" He choked on a sob. He was shaking so hard that he could feel the floor vibrating beneath him.

"James," Lily whispered, stroking his hair. "It's okay, love, it's okay —"

" _No_ ," said James vehemently. "It's not — I — I _killed_ —" He buried his face in his hands, his chest heaving with sobs.

At that moment, there was a soft _pop_. James heard the creak of springs as Sirius scrambled to his feet. "Professor Dumbledore, sir —"

"Are all of you all right?" said Dumbledore, his voice tinged with tension.

"Yes — well, James…"

James struggled to pull himself together; wiping his tears hastily, he gripped the corner of the wall and used it to pull himself to standing. Lily made a soft noise of concern.

"Sir," said James thickly.

Dumbledore surveyed him, peering at him over his half-moon glasses. "What happened tonight was not your fault, James," he said gently.

James nodded, blinking hard. "Yes, sir," he said mechanically.

Dumbledore's eyes flicked to Lily; James felt her take his hand. "Come on," she said softly, drawing him to the couch. He sank down onto it, staring at his knees.

A hand rested lightly on his shoulder as Dumbledore sat beside him. "I should have been more careful," Dumbledore said softly. "I realized too late that I had sent you to the Fawley manor — and that Finn had accompanied you. I should have known that he was filled with bitterness over his parents' deaths, and that Voldemort could easily recruit him because of it. I was blind, James. I wanted to believe his heart was still pure. And therefore, his death is not your fault, but _mine_."

"Yes, sir," said James again.

"Look at me." James obeyed, gazing into Dumbledore's blue eyes. "I was wrong about Finn. But I am not wrong about you — your heart is still pure, James. Your actions tonight were nothing short of heroic."

"I killed a man," James whispered, his throat tightening painfully. "That's not heroic."

"You were defending yourself. You were defending those you loved." Dumbledore's eyes pierced his. "What matters most is the content of your heart. That has not changed. Nor do I think it ever will."

James blinked, letting out a long breath. Slowly, he nodded. Dumbledore squeezed his shoulder, then stood.

"I must be going," he said. "You all made very good work of the Death Eaters, but they ought to be waking up soon and my containment charm will not last long. I will want to talk to all of you tomorrow morning about the events that transpired tonight." He paused as he approached the door. "Oh — you'll be wanting these." He drew four wands out of his pocket and laid them on the table. "Good night."

And he strode out of the door, closing it behind him. They heard a soft _pop_.

"James," said Lily softly, stroking the back of his hand. "Are you all right?"

"No," he said. A laugh bubbled up in his throat. It was true, after all. "I'm not all right." Tears dripped into his lap. "I'm not all right," he said again, his voice scraping his throat.

There was the sound of shifting weight; slowly, the others made their way over to him, all cramming onto the couch around him. They pressed in against him, warming his numb body, filling in the cracks. He put his head in his hands, sobbing softly.

And just as the fire burned out in the grate, extinguishing with a final crackle and burst of sparks, a cloud passed over the moon, plunging the room into utter darkness.


End file.
